My god, Guy. You are an erudite little smarty man aren't you? Your war stuff is perfection. Truly. But now back to me. I have to apologise for going missing from the pages of this blog for the past week or more. It's just that I have been going to the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, pretty much every night, and to multiple shows each night, since the festival began. I know that this has still left me with at least 20 hours in a day to come up with something to blog, but what can I say? I've been filling that time with other important pastimes, such as television, and reading, and concocting daydreams in which I am pretty and intelligent enough to be on friendly terms with the performers who are gracing our city at present. In my opinion, the Comedy Festival is the best reason to live in Melbourne. Granted, the friends and the family are pretty top-shelf too, not to mention the being born into a sort of okay (but not above reproach) society, and into the middle-class to boot, with its private schooling opportunities and disposable income for the buying of important things like CDs, lovely jackets, and yes, Comedy Festival tickets. Those are all valid reasons to be thankful for my life, but the festival is the keeper. Also, despite my middle-class credentials, I would like to state for the record that I earned every penny required to see the more than 30 shows that I've attended so far this festival, by sweating my vast guts out as a waitress (sure, it's only two nights per week, but hey, back off, you judgmental prick). Anyway, I'm going to now attempt to recall some highlights from the shows I've seen thus far. You are forewarned, though, that this is an exercise in futility. Any jokes recalled will most likely lose their flavour when reproduced in their written form, and there's a sizeable portion of 'you had to be there' which my paltry skills will not be able to overcome. Also, frankly, comedy shows seem to fly out of my head the moment I step out of the venue, even if the show has left me flushed and on a high, exalting at the excellence of humanity as a species, and having been elevated to an hyperventilating babbling ball, giddy with pleasure in the knowledge that some... people... exist... and... they... have... brains... that... do... things... good. Oh, the humanity. With the brains and the funny and the thoughts and the hee hee ha ha. By the way, I think I would be a terrible comedy reviewer. If the show was good I would probably write "Do you remember the thing with the...oh man...yeah...ha...snort...wow. And he was good looking". Actually, that last comment is prescient. Well...anyway, it allows me to segue. It seems that the only time my critical judgment is brought to bear on comedy is when it (my critical judgment) concerns itself with matters corporeal - rating the attractiveness of the performer, their choice of shoe, shirt, jeans type, the success or otherwise of their facial hair, etc. Same rules apply for women. Ba-doom ching. Oh I am so ashamed.

Comedy just seems too ethereal to me for me to articulate any understanding of the artistry or technique behind it. The closest I get to considering that aspect of the performance is to just get flabbergasted, a reaction which is followed by the obligatory "HOW DID YOU GET TO BE YOU? Gosh darnit some people are cool". Of course, these reactions are limited to the great shows, because while I don't understand how these people get to be so fucking marvellous and delightful beyond my expectations, I nonetheless think I can find my way to understanding the shit stuff. It sucks. The people doing it believe in themselves to their detriment. They are just like me, or anyone else, but with gumption. And gumption's laudable, to a point... and then it's not. Excellent logical progression, Elanor. Well done.

I think I am a discerning comedy patron, without being dismissive. I think I manage to express my approbation without being that annoying person in the audience whose laughter or self-righteous clapping is more about themselves than the performer. I don't think I am obnoxious or bothersome. I think I get the jokes that some others don't, and I don't fall for the cheap crap. I know I sound like an utter wank, but humour me. Just let me think I'm good at it, please. The only profession I am wholeheartedly committed to is consumption, and I really want to think that I bring a valuable work ethic and flair to it.

So, onto the shows. First night, we saw Noel Fielding. He is a sexy beast, in a fey kind of way. I love to watch him move. He has The Moon in his show. And a character with back-to-front ram's legs who plays referee when all the other woodland creatures are having an orgy, and then he plays another character who likes to sodomise people's shadows. The show is a celebration of childhood, obviously. And you may find, like I did, that the voice of The Moon sticks with you, so that if you happen to be showering late at night, and catch a glimpse of your reflection in the window when you have foaming body wash on your face, you might attempt a little homage. It could happen. Anyway, we're going back for a second perve at Noel on the last night of the festival.

Next we saw Arj Barker. I like Arj, but on this night he was a little disappointing, maybe because it was first night. His show seemed rough around the edges and even though this year it is called something something 'Barkside', or some such thing, he still referred to it during an exchange with an audience member as if it was still called 'A Spaced Odyssey', the title from two years ago. Maybe the name change was only cosmetic anyway, because I had heard a lot of the material previously. But his stuff on Louisiana sodomy law was great (again with the sodomy!). He was talking about the criminalisation of sodomy in Louisiana being justified by defining sodomy as a 'crime against nature', at which he scoffed, before proceeding to show how the phrase might more aptly apply to environment protection law-making. He did it funny, though. He has a way of yelling that is quite endearing, almost Homer-esque, but think more stoner. I guess you just had to be there.

Next we saw Ross Noble, who is always good value, and seems to be on a roll at the moment, having just come from a long tour in the U.K. It is always difficult to tell how much of his material is improvised and how much of it is stock on which he calls when circumstances allow it. Much of the show seemed to be sustained just from ideas he had come to from talking with some audience members, and it was inspired. I thought he overplayed the licking of the stage floor, but it is a minor quibble. I can't really remember many specifics, because the show pretty much follows how his brain associates ideas, rather than mine. I know it left a good impression on me though, and I remember laughing heartily, which capped off a pretty great opening night.

The next night, we saw Dave Hughes, who was better than last year, and Daniel Kitson, who was super fantastic. He has a great dexterity with words, a 'poet's soul' and a misanthrope's tastes, all of which, in him, sit perfectly. His has been one of my favourite shows of the festival. I just really like him and will revisit his show before the festival ends. Can't say fairer than that.

This is taking too long and I've only gotten to the second night of the festival. I might just opt out of the commentary now and provide a list of the shows that I think are top shit, in random order. Dave Gorman, despite the irritating girl in the row in front of me. Mike Wilmot made me laugh harder than anybody else so far, constantly and uncontrollably. A very good time. Glen Wool had a great hat on, and is the first real Canadian I have heard say 'aboot', settling a Degrassi-inspired concern. Boiling Point is such a well-observed take on the media, which also provides a delicious Rock Eistedford pisstake, a man-machine love story, and showcases the lameness of both parties in the Martin Bashir/Michael Jackson interview, which I rather liked. Even though the time travel story had a few holes in it, anything that shows up the final scene of Jerry Maguire makes me happy - its just a personal proclivity. The 4 Noels. Boothby Graffoe. Flight of the Conchords. This also counts as one of my favourites of the festival, and, happily, along with Mike Wilmot, it has deservingly been nominated for the Barry. Please let them win. Please. It is an excellent show and you leave the place just really, really, really liking these guys. Oh my my. I saw this show earlier tonight and I loved loved loved it. New Zealanders are so great, eh? These two just have an easy air about them and their folk/hip-hop parody songs and their gently brilliant interchanges between songs make you wonder how they can be so effortlessly, well, choice. They have a reserve and restraint that would be beyond me were I on a stage. They don't force anything, probably because the show is so well done that they don't need to. Also, they must know how good they are, but you wouldn't know it. The end of almost every song (and the cue for applause) is a self-deprecatory "End thet’s thet one. Thenks". Their Bowie was more Bowie than Bowie. Their bus driver song reminded me of my trip to New Zealand. Also, I'm a sucker for anything that uses schoolboy French in a clearly ironic attempt to seem vaguely sexual and sophisticated. To top it all off, they have created a brilliant new genre-hopping sound; Gangsta Folk. Come on. That's good. Lawrence Leung. Lawrence Mooney. His condensation of Freudian theory into one excited expression was a stunner - "Touch it mummy... touch it, touch it... Oh I did a poo". Also, his stuff about being a parent was excellent - "I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Kids shit themselves. They shit in their pants. That is just unacceptable". Sarah Kendall. Much more assured than last year. Very good. Oh, and more sodomy here. The Homeowners are Very Very Scary. This show is top shit. Hilarious. Really, really enjoyable. Another favourite. With sodomy only tastefully implied.

Some shows have been less enjoyable than others but there has only really been one stinker. Yianni in the USA. Leave it be. This week I still have $200 more shows to see, and I hope they are rip snorters. But just to recap, my favourites are Flight of the Conchords, The Homeowners are Very Very Scary, Boiling Point, Daniel Kitson, Mike Wilmot, Noel Fielding, and on and on until next year.