The world is missing a word. I was doing an inventory in my head the other night, and I found that we were one short. We need a response to the word slut. Or, more precisely, we need a response to the usage of the word slut. We need an insulting name to call those who are lame enough to use slut to reduce a person in the eyes of other people. Lame itself is too broad, because a variety of activities could warrant its use. No, what's needed is a delicious, sneering, specific, sneering, targeted, and sneering name that calls attention to all that is idiotic about using the word slut, and that tarnishes the slut-caller with the brush of idiocy to boot. Idiot itself is again, too broad.

The reason I am thinking about this is that I have started realising that the world is drowning in arseholes. And I feel under-prepared to take them on. I myself don't know any arseholes, so if I came up against one I might be at a loss. But I have a strong feeling that the high proportion of them in the public arena might be signalling a new trend, or a permanent shift, in the rest of us. So it is highly likely that I am going to meet one, someday. It is then quite certain that I will get irritated, frustrated, abrupt, and then, hopefully, cutting. So I was considering what ammunition they could have, and what ammunition I could have, and then trying to predict the scenarios and outcomes of our future battles. And then I was stopped short by a significant realisation, (and one of which I should perhaps have been aware earlier) ... that is, I am a girl. I am so rooted. Do you understand on what a weak footing that puts me, considering that I will be battling an arsehole? Because, you know that despite all the cutting witticisms I propose to make, there will come a point when the arsehole will delve into his bag of tricks, and, irrespective of anything except my womanhood, pull out the immortal line, "Shut the fuck up you fucking slut". Now, what's a girl to do?

Do you attempt the "That’s not even an insult, as there's no such thing as sluts, you dumb-arse" defense, which, though true, hasn't reduced the sting or sneer of fairy? Or do you take the "Right back at you, scumbag" path? Or do you go with a "What? Are you jealous, creep?". Or do you expel your breath derisively, and follow up with a "How lame are you, lame-arse?". Or do you ignore its usage completely, with a "No I will not shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up, fucker"? Or, do you tackle its use head on, with a "What did you call me, weasel?", which you follow up with many or all of the aforementioned responses.

All rather clunky, eh? And none of them do much to reduce slut's power. But you can see, can't you, how one perfectly pitched word could shred the whole caboodle. If we could only find it. So I have found a mission. I need to find a word the cuts slut-callers to the quick, and in one crushing moment, reveals all their shortcomings and brings on a wave of unutterable shame. They will rail against themselves, that they could have been so priggish, so easily led, to have used the word slut in battle! As I have said, the opposing word needs to sneer. It needs to drip loathing and distaste. But, alas, I have yet to find it. At the moment, all I can consider using is the name slut-caller, in the hope that its very ridiculousness will reveal the ridiculousness of the word which is its origin. You know, guilt by association. But slut-caller is just a stop-gap, as, while it might reveal the silliness of slut, and, by its immaturity reveal the inanity of name-calling generally, it still doesn’t grind the user of slut into the ground. Which, metaphorically speaking of course, is our aim.