The Melbourne International Comedy Festival kicked off earlier tonight. Needless to say, I was there. And Daniel Kitson is still a FUCKING GOD! Seriously, if I could go and see him every night of the festival, I would. Too right. Fucking legend. And I would advise that all you good people do the same. What I wouldn't advise is that you go and see Dave Hughes, because, well, he's just not a very good stand-up. Sure, the poor dear wouldn't know it, as his every utterance is met by uproarious laughter and applause, and the end of his show seemed to be a signal to everyone around me to turn to their significant other and say "He was pretty funny, eh?" to the astonishment of moi, who, in my singleton isolation, was then forced to shout in my brain "No he fucking wasn't! Are you people mad?" See, while I completely agree that Dave is a funny man - his scurrilous wit remains the only saving grace of The Glass House, but even that's becoming patchy - I must nevertheless contend, dear people, that he does NOT do stand-up well. I've never seen him do a good show. I have given him plenty of chances to prove that he can, and tonight was his last. So I'm cutting him off. Not that he'd actually give a toss considering that his whole festival season is already sold out, but, there you are. Cancel your tickets while you still can is my advice, kids. Perhaps swap them for some Daniel Kitson tickets, or, failing that, some for Danny Bhoy's show, which I also saw tonight, and which I am not ashamed to recommend because I doubt that the recommendation will be thrown back in my face. He's not super-dooper, but he is better than he was last year, and he was already pretty good then. But he doesn't need my help either. Tell you who does, though? YOU.

So, TAKE HEED. In the spirit of community service, here are some other 'comedians' that, based on past experience, I would steer clear of like the plague, even if popular support would lead you to think otherwise; Wil Anderson, Adam Hills, Lano & Woodley. Believe me, they suck, and their continuing ability to receive support from the public [and often critics too] astounds me. I just don't get it. Of course, there are a heap of other shows that will also suck big time - Damien Clark and Yianni, I'm looking at you - but people will at least tell it to you straight, if they deign to mention such piddling shows at all. Also, if you are a Festival newcomer, just keep in mind that this year's is not what it ought to be, with HEAPS of no-shows - Mike Wilmot, Flight of the Conchords, Lawrence Mooney, Brian Munich and Friends, anything Boosh-related, Demetri Martin [who has never actually appeared here before, I was just hoping that his win at Edinburgh would automatically make him come] - so the crop is rather thin. My excitement is not what it was last year, when I was on a high for three weeks straight. But, nonetheless, I am looking forward to seeing Ross Noble, Chris Addison, The 4 Noels, Charlie Pickering, Sarah Kendall, maybe Gerard McCulloch, maybe Anthony Menchetti, maybe Brendon Burns, maybe Greg Fleet, maybe Tripod, and of course, DEFINITELY more Daniel Kitson. Really, he's the only thing that's ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, and could probably keep you high for three weeks straight all by himself. I am not kidding.