Sunday, November 07, 2004

HA HA HA HEE HEE. This is just SO FUCKING FUNNY. This morning I thought I'd check and see what Andrew Bolt's been up to since the launch of Andrew Bolt: Douchebag, and DUDES, he's been such a douchebag. I am SO up for a second instalment.

The cause of the hilarity is this - Douchebag Item #1. Just read it. It's fucking hilarious. From beginning to end... fucking ridiculous gold. Bolt has devoted a column to attacking Ms Fits. And it's in the newspaper! Oh lord, I'm bursting. Bolt's actually put himself into a pissy little blog spat. Funniest. Thing. Ever. Just read Bolt's column and tell me the crazy kids from this blog didn't do a 'run to daddy'.

Some background. Weird toolishness is happening at Melbourne Uni this year, and some of the weird tools have blogs. Ms Fits reads something about electoral fraud in the paper and goes, "Huh. Those are some weird tools." She blogs about it. She reads the tools' blogs. She blogs about it. The tools go "Hey. We're not tools. Look! We don't even exist anymore!" Ms Fits goes, "Yeah you do. I can't believe it, but you actually do. You tools!" And now the tools have gone, "Ummmaa, I'm telling Bolt on you!"

Now, because of Anita's heads-up about the toolishness, this recent "whoah what freaks" blog spat kinda seemed like old news, though true, when it started. But the whole electoral fraud thing made me wonder about Bolt. I was fairly certain he would want to distance himself from someone implicated in tricking voters, seeing as he's all about the people. I thought, "Man, he must be getting a bit nervy about his recent association with Miranda Airey-Branson in Farrago. God, he won't want any attention drawn to their passing acquaintance. I bet he can't wait until this story goes away." But then I thought, hmmm. You know what? If he begins to feel even the slightest bit tainted, he's SO gonna come out and throw her to the wolves to save his own arse, even though most people will have no idea what he is on about. I seriously thought he would be so freaked about his personal standing that he would devote a column to going, "Some of you may know that I recently gave my time to be interviewed in Farrago, Melbourne Uni's Student newspaper. I support young people, especially the get-up-and-go types, and Miranda-Airey Branson seemed very much of that ilk. But now, because I love my country and the principles upon which it was built, I feel compelled to take her to task. A just man is hard on his friends, you know, and, even though this young woman seemed very pleasant, it's clear now that she should burn at the stake because tricking voters is like, completely dodgy, and I damn her to hell with forceful language." If Bolt came onto the scene at all, that is how I expected it to go.

But hey, I'm usually wrong. So instead of my scenario, the tools contact Bolt and tell him there's this mean lady and could he do a number on her because that will show her and we will so have won this blog spat if we ruin her career or something unlikely like that. And he goes, "sure". And he launches an attack in the paper! How lame is that? LAME! He even makes sure to include this bit - "Airey-Branson, whom she calls an 'ugly ignorant c...' -- wrongly I should add." Ha ha ha...EW! God, I know the tools are probably creaming themselves about this, but dudes, it's not a knock-out blow for you. Seriously, it just further reveals what fucking idiotic prats you are, with zero perspective on yourselves and your own importance in the world. I mean, there can't have been more than twenty people involved in this thing, and even fewer interested parties... seriously, it's just a blog spat! And now it's being fought in the paper? Fucking. Hilarious. Anyway, a very revealing episode about tools ["tools" includes Bolt, obv] and how they don't 'get' stuff.

Douchebag Item #2 is just a funny read. Check out the first line, "The New Age religion claims another victim". Ha ha ha. Don't you love the "another" bit? And then he just heaps on the funny with "How healthy Christianity looks in contrast." Zing! That juxtaposition SO works!

The thing is, I'm confused. Bolt doesn't strike me as a particularly religious guy. Sure, he talks up the 'christian foundations of Western civilisation' bit, but, I mean, he doesn't actually go to church, does he? I mean, I don't actually know this, but it feels like he doesn't. So I find it strange how frequently he brings christianity up. He just throws it in there amongst unrelated stuff. It's like he's just built in a 'hit the christian note' requirement to his columns, even when it really has no relevance. It's even stranger when he talks about abortion, gay marriage and other "moral" issues, and mimics the views of the fundamental christians and stuff. Because, like, don't you get the vibe that he's not really a churchy kinda dude? He doesn't actually believe that stuff, does he, so why would he talk about it like he does? It just seems like he's faking it, and why would he do that? Anyway, now that I'm reading them, I find that most of his columns feel hollow. Don't they feel hollow to you? They seem to lack personal belief. It's weird.

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