Monday, November 01, 2004

I'm launching a new, er, 'column' for this blog. It probably won't last beyond this first instalment, doomed to go the way of 'The E List' and my 'Culture Diary', but whatever. I like the title, and would like to write it in bold, so I hereby unveil

Andrew Bolt: Douchebag

Douchebag Item #1 in which Bolt takes pot shots at Liz Hurley, women.

"The British 'actor' was in Sydney this week for a breast cancer awareness function, which fits in swell with all the push-'em-out work she's done to develop breast awareness. She also squeezed in an appearance at a store, where 200 people paid $132 each to have the briefest of chats with her and sneak a peek down her fabulous cleavage, which she obligingly left on wide-angle show."

"Naturally, I'm not complaining about any of this. But, it surprises me that few women are, either".

Yes, why aren't more women judgemental arseholes about this woman's personal style? That's the essence of feminism, isn't it? Douchebag.

Douchebag Item #2 in which Bolt quotes Martin Luther King Jr, because he's a jerk like that.

"THE Australia I have long loved didn't judge people by the colour of their skin. Until now."

Oh god, I love how whack his presentation of our history is. Douchebag. But anyway, that "until now" sounds scary. What's up, Andrew? What's happening to make Australia racist for the first time, like, ever?

Ah, the forces of "the New Racism" are doing ghastly things to Victoria's constitution by adding clauses that recognise that our state was established "without proper consultation, recognition or involvement of the Aboriginal people", and that Victorian Aborigines were its original custodians, and have a "unique status", etc. What fucking arseholes! What are they playing at? Don't they know that Australia is a really really unimpeachably great country, and Victoria an equally great state, founded peacefully and consentually on the best principles ever, with no stealing or murder or war or screwing people over at all?

"These changes are immoral. They are racist. They drag us back towards tribalism, and away from the spirit that built this free, rich and tolerant country."

"And the Australia I have long loved is being taken away from me. And you."

Nah man, only Victoria. Douchebag.

Douchebag Item #3 in which Bolt is hilarious, calls John Kerry weak, French, and a namby pamby goose killer.

"IF Americans get next Tuesday's election wrong, our lives will be less safe.
I know, it sounds melodramatic to call the Democrat challenger, Senator John Kerry, a comfort to terrorists.

After all, you probably saw him last week, when he tried to show what a gun-happy tough he is, honest, by going out in borrowed camouflage to shoot a dozing goose.

We even got to see the shot-pocked bird, held up by its limp neck, as Kerry showed off his bloodied left hand. So caution: Kerry can kill. Birds, small squirrels – you name it, he'll blast it. If he's sure you'll approve.

Boy, that will sure make Osama bin Laden wet his dish-dash. That'll impress the terrorists who don't just grab goose necks, but saw right through human ones.

Wait, Ahmed, they will now cry. Don't slit the infidel's throat. Let's not get Kerry angry. Remember what he did to the goose

God, he's so fucking funny, that Bolt. And a douchebag. Nothing slips by him. Yes, "borrowed camouflage", a "dozing goose". Score! Still, I don't understand why he's making this point, being sarcastic like ooooooh, Kerry can kill, I'm so scared, when like, Kerry HAS killed people. And it's not funny to him, because he's a thoughtful man. I mean weak.

"Check his record. Kerry served briefly in the Vietnam War, before falsely accusing his fellow soldiers of routinely committing 'war crimes'. He preached defeat, and met delegates of the North Vietnamese enemy in Paris.

Elected a senator, he fought Ronald Reagan's decision to deploy Pershing missiles in Europe and engage the Soviet Union in an arms race it couldn't afford.

If it had been up to Kerry, would the exhausted Soviet Union have collapsed so soon, allowing democracy to bloom in Eastern Europe?

Oh. My. God. So much wrongness. Cannot deal. Will try though.

First off, Kerry served less "briefly" in Vietnam than Bush did, and he volunteered to do it, okay? Douchebag. Secondly, he didn't falsely accuse anyone of anything. He simply repeated before a Congressional committee what had been told to him, during nation-wide Vietnam Veterans Against the War meetings, by other returned soldiers about their experience of Vietnam. And many of them said they had committed war crimes. He also made a general point about free fire zones contravening the Geneva Convention, or something routine like that. Douchebag. Thirdly, he didn't preach defeat. He preached conscience, accountability, recognition of reality, a corrective. Douchebag. And though I can't be sure of the factual accuracy of anything Bolt claims, I have no problem accepting that Kerry met delegates of the North Vietnamese "enemy", and in Paris no less. I mean, in his Senate work he lobbied for and then led investigations/negotiations, alongside John McCain, which were devoted to finding out if there remained any American POWs in Vietnam. It took years and years and lots of work to get access and disclosure and stuff. And like, who was he going to get that from other than the North Vietnamese? Douchebag. And finally, Kerry's a bad guy for opposing the arms race? Um... DOUCHEBAG!

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