Hello. I am not a weird person. I am not a freak, okay? I thought the last two Star Wars movies were "terrible, frankly", just like everybody else. I even thought they were more terrible than some other people thought they were, so I'm like, extra not freaky. Okay? Good. Because I have just watched Revenge of The Sith, and I want everyone to understand that I am in no way a loser no taste freak when I say I LOVED IT. IT WAS AWESOME. OH MY GOD. IT RULED.

Please, don’t shun me. And also, excuse me if I occasionally make outbursts like IT WAS GRIPPING and so forth. Sorry, but I’m quite excited. I mean, the last two were just so devastatingly poor. I had no expectations when I sat down to watch the new one this afternoon. And IT WAS GREAT. I was actually engaged, rather than rolling my eyes. I was pleading with the characters, etc. I was calling them names. IT WAS THRILLING.

Look. Here is the basic arc of my reaction to the film:

“Oooh, this is rather good, eh. That opening bit where the STAR WARS bit comes up and the music packs a wallop. I'm really glad at least this aesthetic was maintained. Also, just generally Lucas, LOVE THE WIPES."

"Jolly good. Flying and fighting and being all comrade-y. Wait, but what are you rescuing HIM for? HE IS BAD.”

“Oh lovely. Look how they are hugging and in love. Wow. I actually believe it. That’s odd.”

“Seriously, that guy is BAD. What are you hanging with him for? Don’t be such an IDIOT.”

“Could you TRY and get some perspective? THINK THINGS THROUGH. Talk to your woman for fuck’s sake. She will set you straight. Why does she even let you hang out with HIM anyway? HE IS BAD. And A SHIT.”

“Dude, seriously. THE DARK SIDE IS WANK. Don’t even think about it. IT’S WANK!”

“STAY WHERE YOU ARE!” (hey, that was quite moving, that staring over the city bit) “STAY WHERE YOU ARE!”

“This is just weird and stupid. It cannot possibly work out for you. Now you are HIS bitch. And he’s not warm and honest and cheerful like Ewan MacGregor. JUST THINK ABOUT IT.”

“OH MY GOD. NO. STOP IT. STOP. IT. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? *stunned into gape-mouthed silence*

(It is at this point that I almost started crying)

“OH, YOU ARE A SHIT. AND AN IDIOT TOO. CAN'T YOU SEE? YOU ARE ON THE WRONG SIDE AND YOU HAVE JUST DONE TERRIBLE THINGS. WHY? YOU FOOL.”

“Aw. You’re breaking my heart when you say ‘you’re breaking my heart’, Natalie Portman. IT’S MOVING...EMOTIONALLY...YES, IN A GEORGE LUCAS FILM.”

“Hey, you scream real good when you burn.”

“Hmmm, I would have had his knees buckle in grief there, so that he was on the ground and clutching himself while sobbing wrenchingly. That whole NOOOOOOOO business was just cheesy, and robbed the thing of its emotional impact. We should have been able to feel the desolation. Bad George Lucas. Naughty.”

“You are all going to die. Eventually. Babies are cute and all. But YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE... EVENTUALLY.”

THE END

If you'll excuse me, I'm just going to watch it again before dinner. And I am not a freak.