"Since I'm already screwed, here's a message to you: My heart's wide open..."

We have been waiting for many many years for Paris Hilton's album to hit us and cause our brain stem to explode, a wait that has been made cruel and torturous by Paris' own quite constant public claims, in response to questions about what she actually does, that "I'm working on my album." Hearing this over and over in the past few years, I have in some weaker moments been moved to scream, "BUT WHEN IS IT COMING OUT, WOMAN?" It seems, however, that the day IS approaching, and I have been listening to some of the bounty. The brilliant lyric I chose to title this post is from her song Screwed, and yes, it's quite genius, no? We are, however, a bit more worried about Paris' navigation of modern sexual mores, if we are correct in extrapolating her mindset from the lyrics in the single, Stars Are Blind. Particularly, we are quite taken with the pathos and yearning and schoolyard level coquetry of:

"If you show me real love baby, I'll show you mine."

Which we think is just very very sad. What an innocent she is. We are worried she may get her feelings hurt by engaging in such quid pro quo.

Here is another song, Don't Touch It:

"Don't touch it, you ain't bawdy [or, "bought it"?]
You can have a look but you can't afford it.
Don't push it, don't rush it,
You can have a look but you just can't touch it."

Worrisome. Also, we cannot quite believe that it is Paris singing the vocal on Bye Bye Boy. We believe there may have been a mix up on The Internets. Indeed, when I heard it, I exclaimed, "But, she can't talk that fast!"

ALERT: Paris will be appearing on Letterman on June 12. But WILL SHE PERFORM [musically, that is]? Obviously, THIS MUST BE WATCHED.