Last night I watched Compass on the ABC, which was screening the second part of Hollywood Religions. Can I just get my cheap shot out of the way now? Here it goes… “more like Hollywood Freaks, if you know what I mean”, snigger, snigger. There. The lamest part of my humanity has been sated. So, on to the discussion. While watching the program, I had my partly formed instincts about myself confirmed. “I am not a religious person”, she declared with gusto. Thank you Hollywood Religions. And no, this conclusion is not drawn simply because the cranks and charlatans on parade were inane babblers who were babbling inanely. I mean, they were, but that is beside the point. My reason was this; no matter what suspect route they promoted for getting there, all the practitioners always reached a point where they said, “And doing this helps me to get in touch with the spirit, God, whatever you want to call it. I feel its presence when I do this [crazy-arse and yes, completely INANE thing that is not as original as they think]”. I could actually understand them up to the point when they said something like that. Even if they were talking about really stupid shit, like Goddess Worship [which is really just belly-dancing combined with ante natal breathing and new age faux-feminist smugness], or the teachings of Dyan Cannon [yes, that Dyan Cannon. The actress who married Cary Grant now has her own church, with the natty title of ‘God’s Party with Dyan Cannon & U’, or ‘GPDC&U’ for those in the know], or the intellectual stimulation of a Deepak Chopra session where you learn about everything [he was heard to remark, and I quote, that “the oceans move up and down because of the forces of the sun and the moon”], or about any of the other natterings that people attempted to imbue with a weightiness that they obviously didn’t warrant. All of this was kind of dumb, but I could kind of understand that people [because they are losers] might be getting something they needed from such activities, which was for them to know. No judgement [hah]. Anyway, the varied practices were not the things that were shocking or bizarre to me. They weren’t things of the kind that would cause me to violently spurt out any beverage I was drinking, in the comic fashion favoured by hams, had I been unfortunate enough to take a gulp of said beverage just before hearing of these practices and their ilk. No. It was the one thing that all the assorted freakshows had in common that I just couldn’t get my head around, this Higher Being stuff, that just sounded plain crazy to me. Upon hearing about this stuff, I would have spit up. But I wasn’t drinking, so instead, as Deepak himself might say, I reached a higher plane of self-knowledge.

You know those people who talk about being disillusioned with religion, because ‘the institutions’ have bastardised for their own purposes the unifying truth and love of the message from which they draw power, and so in reaction and bitterness, these people have turned their backs on ‘organised religion’ and all its ‘galling hypocrisy’? You know those people? Well, I am not one of those people. Sometimes, I even get annoyed with those people, especially if they make that lame crack about religion being a great thing, if only humans would stay out of it, heh heh. Shut up, dickface. That kind of remark is so irritating to me because it retains that idea about venerating this big spirit thing and being pejorative about humankind, and I just don’t get how that is a good thing. I also despise it when people say “Whether you’re a Hindu or Moslem or Christian, it’s about belief. Belief is the important thing. We are all on a spiritual journey. We all have spiritual needs, etc.”, and, again, I’m like, “Shut up dickface”, because that just doesn’t add up for me. I’m like, “How does this link with this and where does this come in to it?”… if you know what I mean. But maybe I’m just willfully contrary. I went to a Catholic school, so I am acquainted with the idea that there is a God. I just can’t see how that works. Do people actually ‘feel’ stuff that they can attribute to God? Do people actually think that it is necessary and important to have a connection to God, even if he does exist? [And I’m not even going to touch that whole ‘impress people with my (t)witty take on the question’ bizzo, eg. “God and I talk all the time. She’s so funny”. Fuck off.] I just don’t get this stuff. When I stand on top of a mountain and feel a sense of wonderment, nothing snaps in my brain to say, “God is great. I love him”. It’s just not something that happens [the mountain happens, the god thing doesn’t]. Instead, I usually go for, “How nice” [okay, so I’m a cold fish, but that doesn’t mean that I couldn’t appreciate it on that deeper level where important things get appreciated]. I know you might not believe me, but I’m sure I do have deeper levels and shit, I’m just confused as to how bringing a love of God into them embiggens them at all. I just don’t feel it.

So I am not a religious person. And I have discovered that this is not primarily because I have a problem with religions, although I do. No, my lack of belief is bigger than that. It transcends all petty arguments. It’s simple. I just don’t get what religions are on about. I don’t get God. I don’t believe in it. I am a full-tilt atheist. Ooooooo! So thank you Hollywood Religions for showing me all the crap that surrounds religions so that I could see that it is not all the crap surrounding them that powerfully puts me off religions, but rather the central belief by which they work [or, without which they don’t work. Take your pick]. Whatever. I am happy. No shilly-shallying here [not that there’s anything wrong with shilly-shallying. Hee hee. I just said shilly-shallying twice… no, thrice! Ha hah! I just said thrice… twice!]. I have certitude now, born of experiential and theoretical investigation - God has no meaning for me. Yay!