We seem to be on an ass diva kick at the moment, what with the Kylie and the J.Lo. And I'd like to take us back to J.Lo. You might have seen the South Park episode from last week which treated the 'Bennifer' issue with great virtuosity. And if you didn't see it, I'm gonna give you a play-by-play. You see, it began with a 'cultural diversity day' at South Park Elementary presided over by a Latino Endowment association, or something, who awarded a $20 gift certificate to the child who gave the best presentation on Latino contributions to the community. Well, Cartman did his talk on Latino contributions to the Arts, and told everyone that he had a special guest to speak on the issue. He then revealed his hand, painted up to be one of those talking fists, and had his 'guest' introduce herself. "My name is Ghennifer Ghlopez, and I like tacos and burritos", she said. S'arright? S'arright. Si si si. She was a hit. And Cartman won the prize. He then went to the mall, where he bought a lot of tacos for his fist, er, I mean Ghennifer, to eat, and with the remaining money he got one of those mall music videos made, at the diva's insistence. She demanded that the store attendant make the backing music "spicier", and then let her high register loose on a song called "Taco-Flavoured Kisses", which went a little something like this:

Burrito. Taco taco. Burrito. Taco. Taco taco.
Don't think just because I gotta lotta money
I won't give you taco-flavoured keeses, honey.
Fulfil all you weeshes with my taco-flavoured keeses.
Taco taco. Burrito burrito. Taco taco.

It's pretty great, huh? Well, the attendant sent the tape off to a friend of his who was interning at a big record company and got the big wigs to see it. And they loved it, of course. The only problem was that they already had an artist on their label called Jennifer Lopez. And they couldn't possibly have two. So there was nothing to be done but to drop J.Lo in favour of the younger and spicier Ghennifer. They thanked J.Lo for all her hard work and "talent" [which the big wig signified by doing those finger quotation marks]. They told her "We just think you need to move on... And, you're a mean-spirited bitch who spits on people who aren't rich and famous". And this made J.Lo mad. She said "Oh no you di?ent!" [remember the glottal stop?] Then she went back to her limo, where Ben was watching the news, reporting that "sources say the new film will star Ben Affleck", to which Ben goes "He he he. That's me". J.Lo orders the driver, "Stoopid", to drive to South Park to interrogate the school children by asking "Okay. What smart-mouthed, punk-ass bitch has been saying they're the new Jennifer Lopez?" To which Ghennifer responds, "You can suck my coolo, chicka", and then, when J.Lo finds her, says the best line of the show, namely "Ola, bitchola". Hee hee. J.Lo is telling her she's made a big mistake, and then Ghennifer says "The only mistake was when this ghetto-trash got signed in the first place". Later, in the studio, Ghennifer is laying down another track. She's written them all in three days because, as Cartman noted, "Your style of music is so easy it doesn't require any thought at all". The second track goes like this:

Baby let's make a run for the border,
I've got a hunger only tacos can stop.
I know exactly what I'll order
Three tacos, two cosalos and a soda pop.
I need to make a run for the border,
If you pay I'll take off my top.
Do you remember what I want to order?
Three tacos, two cosalos and a soda pop.
Yeah... And don't forget the hot sauce, cholo.

When Ben saw Ghennifer at the school, he was immediately infatuated by her. He turns up on Cartman's doorstep with some roses for her, and says "Jenny. I just can't stop thinking about you. I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent". To which Ghennifer responds, "I know my darling. That's okay". So Ben perks up and asks, "Will you just take a ride with me in my awesome car?" Ain't love grand, folks? Cue scenes of driving and park related bliss, with a song of devotion penned by Ghennifer herself playing over the top.

Oh Ben you are so perrr-fect,
So spectacularrrr in every way.
You bring light in to my life Ben,
You almost make me forget all about
Tacos! Tacos so good in my tummy
Yummy yummy give me more.
I love you Ben,
You almost make me forget about tacos.

But their day is not all perfect. There is still the lingering problem of the real J.Lo, which Ghennifer addresses in her spicy way when she asks "But what if you still have feelings for the slut with the large ass?". Ben soothes her with kisses [he's actually tonguing the hand of an eight-year-old child] and then Ghennifer reciprocates by giving Ben a blow-job [which is really a hand-job from an eight-year-old-child]. Mmmm. Taco-flavoured kisses for my Ben. Back in the studio, Ghenny gets groovin on another one.

Ooooh baby baby. Can I have your tacos?
Those tacos sure look good.
I'm just Ghenny from the hood...

Ghenny and Ben spend the night together making love [which means Ben is getting more hand-jobs from an eight-year-old child] and plan to wed [which means Ben wants to marry an eight-year-old child. Or, more specifically, his hand]. But things go awry. J.Lo chases Ghenny with a chainsaw, the fuzz move in, the record company folks are putting on the pressure, and it all falls apart, despite Ben's plaintive cries of "Our love is like rain", to which J.Lo responds in her harsh screech, "That's what you said about me, asshole". It's a fine episode.