Monday, September 20, 2004

Tonight's episode of John Safran vs God was the BEST one yet. I hope you all saw it because it was a cracker. Especially the trailer Safran made for his Mormon film idea, xtreme Mormons. Holy crap. Just. Brilliant. I would so watch that film. It would be perfect Sunday afternoon movie-on-the-TV fare. Like Airborne, but with Mormons. Which means less "bullwinkle" and more "Gordon B. Hinckley". In the plot, our extreme BMX-ing missionary heroes have to fight against the entrenched traditionalism of their Church leaders, who ask, "How can you spread the Lord's word when you're standin on the darn handlebars?" To which one of our heroes replies, with passion, "I can't see why what we're doing is wrong. Drinking coffee is wrong. Drinking cola is wrong. What's wrong with extreme cycling?" They are righteous dudes. They're defying received wisdom by attempting to convert the lost souls living in the no-go area of Sin City. It's a tough part of town, ruled by drugs. No Mormon has dared door-knock there. Cue tough, powerful scenes, like this:

Junkie Girl: "I don't wanna sell drugs no more!"

Bandana-wearing pimp: "You don't have a choice!"

Mormon [swooping in and emphatically pushing pimp up against a wall]: "God gives everyone a choice."

See? Brilliant. Anyway, when they're doing the good work in Sin City, they have to deal with resistant attitudes like "Get outta here you Jesus-freak. I heard about you Mormons. You and your magic underpants." So how can they overcome it? Well, first of all, they've gotta get people's attention. So they impress doubters with their mad BMX-ing skillz. A show of such skillz neatly prompts the question, "Hey! Who taught you that?" To which they can reply, "A friend of ours. A guy we call Jesus." This gets people thinking, but of course, it's not that easy. Conversion never is. You've gotta win people's respect, by beating them in a competition of some kind, providing suspense and a climax to the film. So the stage is set for a BMX race on Death Mountain, der. "If we can beat your best guy in a race down Death Mountain, then you'll all come to bible class for a month?" Gold! Anyway, my most favourite line in the potential movie was this:

"There's two types of Mormons. Latter-day saints, and latter-day aints."

Oh. My. God. Safran, you rule. Yeah, I think I love that man.

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