Oh, what an awesome trashy night! No, I'm not talking about getting wasted or anything, because, come on. It's me. So of course, I am talking about TV. Specifically, the awesome trashy goodness served up by the TV programming gods the other night, the tape of which I have just watched. Wow. Talk about a bumper night, hello! Paris Hilton getting the South Park treatment and then three episodes of Nip/Tuck back-to-back and then two episodes of Footballers' Wives?! Was anyone else as bonkers with joy as me when they saw this line-up in the Green Guide on Monday? Or, do you not read the Green Guide obsessively each day, to make certain you haven't missed anything, and then cross-reference it with the daily updated program in the A3? You don't? Well, aren't you a weirdo. Anyway, it was wall-to-wall excellence. I mean, I had qualms about the Paris thing, because, you know, they were going to go there and do that thing that I usually bitch-slap people for; that is, call her a skanky whore. But, how can you not laugh when she's looking rough and hacking up cum all the time? Hilarious! And the whore-off was prime. And the suicidal doggies. But, anyway, I mostly want to talk about Nip/Tuck. Because, you see, it had actual mother-fucking! DUDES, I was like, WHOAH! I will re-create how 'Whoah' I was. You see, I was sitting on the couch and watching the show and la la la doo di doo, oh, look, those two are sitting and talking in the dark and being intense, getting a bit close now... WHOAH! Gobsmacked. It was totally awesome. I actually leaped up, gape-mouthed and blinking and pointing at the TV madly, until I recovered the power of speech sufficiently to go "DUDE! THAT'S YOUR MOTHER... AND YOU KNOW IT!" I mean, it wasn't like one of those daytime soap opera put up for adoption slash mistaken identity deals. It was INTENSE! Whoah. I know she's Famke Janssen and all, but still, she's your mother. And HE'S YOUR SON! He is pretty cool, though. I like him. Psychotic obsession suits him. However, I think he should get the hell away from her. Just run. She's what Oprah would call 'a toxic person' but what I call 'mean'. She's mean. God, listen to me. There's incest going on and I'm telling a character to get away from his mother because she's mean! I am mental. But still, she is mean. She talks to him in a really fucked up way, like, every word is barbed to fuck him up more. Just get away, kid. You're cool. Er, yeah. So anyway, DE-VEL-OP-MENT! God I love that show. Footballers' Wives wasn't so brimming with cool fucked up intenseness, but it did have an hermaphrodite baby. Finally! And that Italian dude is such a sweetheart. Aw. So, anyway, BUMPER AWESOME TRASHY-NESS! Yay! A warning though. The TV programming gods, though I love them and praise them and don't want them to smite me or be withholding, are tending to be a bit tricky and obnoxious about putting on the latter two shows. So keep your wits about you, and your TV guides close*.


[* I think I have just found my trademark 'signing off' deal, for when I have a talkshow or something. Sweet.]