Sunday, April 24, 2005

Longest. Blog silence. Ever.

Erm, yeah. Let's get straight back into it, shall we? By way of explanation, I spilled coffee on my keyboard, fucked it. So, if I had tried to blog something, it would have come out all is]piooedcoffeeoyuyoyhujyyoardikfuciedi. Of course, I did actually consider posting that. I was going to put is]piooedcoffeeoyuyoyhujyyoardikfuciedi in large at the top of the post, and then in smaller writing beneath, I would put the translation, "I spilled coffee on my keyboard, fucked it". But then I realised that to do that, I would have to type "I spilled coffee on my keyboard, fucked it", into my brother's laptop, save it, bring the disk ALL THE WAY to the home computer, put the disk in, turn on the computer, slap my head in exasperation and say "Why do you always forget that?", eject the disk and strike any key, wait for the computer to ready itself, push the disk back in, open up blogger, use fucked home computer keyboard to type "I spilled coffee on my keyboard, fucked it", watch it be wittily transformed into mangled gibberish, then open the disk and the saved translation document, cut and paste it into blogger, and publish. The planned post would have looked like this;


"I spilled coffee on my keyboard, fucked it"
I really was going to post that, honest. I had it all planned out. But then I realised that posting it raised the unavoidable question of how it was still possible for me to show the fuckedness of the keyboard and also the translation of the fuckedness into what it was supposed to say, the answer to which would necessitate the whole laptop/disk backstory. Fuck that! A revelation of the effort I was prepared to go to in getting two little lines of blogging done made me uncomfortable. [How impressed are you by my concept of 'effort', by the way?] Also, what was the point of showing how fucked my keyboard was [implicit excuse to bunk off] if doing that also revealed how it was still possible for me to blog, using the aforementioned brother's laptop and saving to disk method? So, yeah. I didn't do it in the end... GOD! The amount of time I spend thinking about not blogging. Ridiculous! And yes, for you sharp ones out there, I did plug the old fucked keyboard back in just now for the purposes of this post, to give you all the authentic experience of what actually results from the intention to type, "I spilled coffee on my keyboard, fucked it". Sigh. Poor old keyboard. It is now on the junk pile, usurped by a used old harlot we picked up from Cash Converters. Look how she types! Brazen hussy!

I should probably point out that when I murdered the keyboard by my sloppy coffee control [friends will attest that this is an ongoing problem for me], there were really only a few days of no-keyboard freedom in this house. The blog silence extended for two weeks because, well, the little break combined with my pre-existing laxness kinda altered my mind, and I got used to not thinking about fashioning the world into blogging material. So, when the time came that I was easily able to do so again, I just kinda...didn’t. Also, Guy could not step into the breach because he has moved out to a Carlton sharehouse with NO INTERNET CONNECTION, and so he spends his time doing weird things, like TALKING TO PEOPLE for hours and reading and drinking tea. And convincing himself that he has a wasting disease, again. Ah, Guy. When he was doing his Honours thesis about fin de siècle notions of decadence and decline blah blah industrialisation blah blah sites of projected social anxiety or whatever, he demanded that a doctor test him for syphilis because he had been reading about it. He’s a bit crazy, see. Anyway, this time around, I’m quite hopeful about the crazy-making effects of his research. As far as I can gather, his Masters has something to do with Dandies, so irrespective of the rich and diverse cultural and political underpinnings of the Dandy aesthetic that Guy will no doubt be getting into deeply, I’m just waiting for the day when I go to meet him for dinner or coffee or whatever, and he’s rouged up and wearing a cravat, screaming "I'm making an intervention. A CRITICAL INTERVENTION!" Or something. That would rule.


1. Holy freakin crap, I just referred to myself in the third person.

2. Britney's baby – when I heard the news, this was my thought; “So it’s not a new boob job then. Suck on that, awfulplasticsurgery. I was right and you were wrong. HA!” Did some hopping from foot to foot while clapping, followed by attempted moonwalk aborted in favour of dusting off shoulders. Later, “Where the hell is the ‘Oh bay-beh bay-beh’ headline? I can’t see it anywhere!” Outrage!

3. New Pope – yucky! Basically, the only hope I had going into the papal election was that it wouldn’t be Ratzinger [or Pell, obviously – but as if!]. For the past few months I’ve taken to narrowing my eyes and saying his name in a low tone filled with menace – Ratzinger. It sounds so sinister and mediaeval. Anyway, here’s my take on him: doctrinally batshit stifler of dissent and proponent of STUPID ideas. Hmph. He's called for "unity", so you know what that means. He won't be brooking any change, or debate even, on any of the current senseless and unconscionable Church positions, eg. God exists, homosexuals are sinful, women in general aren’t great either, safe sex is A SIN, and yes, we do see those people dying like crazy in Africa, etc etc etc. Oh dude. If you hold these positions, you are not a respectable person. If you actively participate in enhancing their negative impacts on people, YOU ARE NOT A RESPECTABLE PERSON. You, in fact, SUCK!

4. Prue MacSween is a hideous bint. Did anyone else catch her on Mornings with KAK the other day? Hateful, hateful idiot. She was doing the whole “lock em up forever, or better yet, kill em. And if you disagree with my well informed and rigorously thought out view on this, you’re just an apologist for violent criminals and you obviously LIKE it when they hurt people” thing. She was making such a fool of herself. But KAK was agreeing with her, and taking her side against the guys who were trying to make points about the weight of evidence, and such. KAK once even cut off a fair-minded point one of the others was making, nodded to Macsween and said, “Go for it, Prue.” Terrible. Just terrible. Prue MacSween is a pollutant. A pollutant with frightful fashion sense.


1. Went to see Mel's show, and she's right to think it's tight and funny, and definitely more than "tolerably amusing". The songs are excellent. I still love Stand Up, Sit Down the most. Ooh, actually, I think my favourite one is the drunk one, you know, where she goes "Why don't you let me in?" with perfect petulance. And I've had the Salad Song lyric "he should be eating rabbit FACE" in my head for over a week now. It's alarming that on the night we went it was almost cancelled until Laurie arrived with her boyfriend, allowing the show to go on because the position of Secret Buff had been filled. Also, certain male comedians should be much more appreciative of Mel's charms.

2. Went along to a Landmark Education meeting as ‘research’ for a friend’s proposed sharp and skewering short film about the self-help industry, which I will apparently be co-writing. It was pretty much four hours of people telling us little other than Landmark is GREAT, and it REALLY WORKS! And I was like, who are you? And what does this Landmark thing turn you into other than a spruiker for the product? And why on earth are people all around us signing up and paying $480 to take part? And why is that woman crying? I know she has time-management issues, but seriously, CHILL OUT. Nothing moving has happened here at all! What has gotten into all of you? Stop it. This is lame! We actually got told that we were thinking “too analytically” about it, and that we should just shut off the critical voices in our heads and do Landmark because it really works! RED. FLAG.

3. Went to see Midnight Juggernauts and Wolfmother on Thursday. Weird thing, people tried to talk to me. I was approached twice by strangers, both of whom were gregarious types named Georgie, wanting to make chit chat. Weird. Of course, eventually my noncommittal responses and joyless dullard demeanour killed the brightness in their eyes and we found opportunities to part ways. That was inevitable. But what I’m still confounded by is why they made the effort in the first place. I mean, I’m not an appealing sort of person. You don’t look at me and go “Now that’s someone I want to know!” Anyway, meh. Gregarious types are weird. So, the show. I love Midnight Juggernauts A LOT. I think they were probably better the last time I saw them, but who gives a crap! Anyway, after their set I decided to move off to the side and lean against a wall to wait for Wolfmother, and, you know, be an unobtrusive loner at a gig in the hope that no-one else tried to talk to me. And then I think something embarrassing happened. Um, you know how it doesn’t really matter where you stand in a crowd, so long as you don’t invade the space of an already established group of friends? Like, you wouldn't just move through the crowd and take up a position right in between a couple, yeah? There are private spaces within a public space, is what I’m saying. Well, I think that by trying to be all unobtrusive and putting myself in the corner, I may have inadvertently crashed the band/muso section. I was really tired at the time, so it didn’t really hit me then – you know, the sort of tired when everything just bounces off you and you’re all glazed over and detached from much of your surroundings - but now that I think about it, I’m realising that I probably stuck out like a sore thumb, being quite obviously the only person in the vicinity that the Midnight Juggernauts, and I think some Cut Copy dudes too, didn’t know. Especially when one of them was introducing his dad to all his friends, and the dad turned to look to me in a ‘nice to meet you’ way, and I had to quickly avoid eye contact. Jeez, I can’t believe I didn’t see how awkward that was! Anyway, Wolfmother were quite good. I mean, I guess they were very good. I was very tired. Also, I’m quite sure that my heart’s not in it with them.

4. Went to see Cut Copy and Pnau last night....HOT SHOW! HOT SHOW! HOT SHOW! Oh, it ruled so madly. Pnau were AMAZING. And cool and loud, with geeky but cool moves. Fantastic. And I’ve been told to mention the t-shirt. Yes, it was a very good t-shirt, and did you notice he also had a great 80s-ish leather jacket on when he was setting up? I thought there was a major misstep in the pants area, though. Far too baggy. Pants gots to be tight. Tight. TIGHT! Ah, the Cut Copy boys, they know pants. Yes indeed. EXCELLENT PANTS! And excellent show. I don’t have much to say other than I really really loved it. The whole night, if dancing was my thing, I totally would have danced. I mean, I hope I at least looked happy, just standing there shaking my leg. Because I WAS. I really really was.

So, will definitely blog more frequently. Promise. No promises on the quality though, obviously.

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