Saturday, April 30, 2005

When good girls go bad in Hollywood...

...SHUDDER. Things don't get more unpleasant than Tom Cruise.
What a rude shock. 'Abomination' is not a word one throws around willy nilly, but surely you would agree it has undisputed relevance to Tom Cruise-related matters. And now he's going to abominate Katie Holmes by association. This is quite horrifying to me. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP BEFORE THERE’S IRREVOCABLE DAMAGE DONE TO HER INCIPIENT COOL. Katie has been doing so well lately – choosing Pacey, doing Pieces Of April, etc. All fine demonstrations of TASTE. But this is insupportable! What is it about girlfriending Tom Cruise that makes women defer their powers of speech to him, in favour of striking poses of beatific adoration? What does he do them? Is there a complusory course they must take? Does he drug them? What? Ergh. Just look how incompatible they are – exhibit A: the sunglasses. His are terrible. Hers, fabulous. Height of incompatibility proven, yes? Not convinced? Okay then, just CHECK OUT WHAT A LAMEASS HE IS:
The Sun reports a source at the Hassler Hotel as saying: "He wanted a romantic atmosphere and ordered as many red roses as we could find to fill the suite."
Apparently, jewellery was delivered to the room for Katie and more than 40 outfits were sent over by designer Giorgio Armani.

Roses in the suite? BARF! The world is not an Oprah audience, Tom. We can only hope that you at least have the capacity to refrain from ordering the scattering of rose petals on the bed, you knob. Ugh. Tom Cruise makes me wanna retch. Unrelentingly. So please, Katie girl, you have to remove yourself from his taint ASAP. You do understand that if you go on like this you will have to continue spending time with him, don't you? And nobody wants that. Least of all you, right? Right? Please, she cannot be happy. It’s TOM CRUISE for chrissake! He's CRAP. Oh, why do people insist on finding happiness in such lame places? WHY? You know how a while back I was making the case for Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard being the ultimate Hollywood Glamour Couple for a new era? Well, Tom and Katie [if it goes on, and it mustn't] are the anti of that. RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Defamer is, as always, brilliant on this:
Excuse us while we figure out a way to press our naked eyeballs onto the burners on the electric stove.
I love you, Defamer. In other news, I’m quite stung and unnerved by the disintegrating relationship between Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Because, I love Nicole. She makes Paris seem okay. Best friends 4 eva! And while I am highly curious about the Kimberley Stewart thing, I can't help but think that without Nicole to pick up the slack, I maybe don’t like Paris Hilton. And I HATE thinking that.

Now, some music. Got the Kaiser Chiefs album and I like it. You will like it too. What I like extra about it is that the lead singer is/was an art school lecturer. Which RULES! No life of unfulfilled bitterness for him. Moving on, here’s something that, if you are like me, you will really really really love - the Futureheads album. Somehow, and I’m not quite sure how, it seems to have only just been released here, which is odd, because I swear I bought it at the HMV in Bourke St Mall quite some time ago. Yes, I’m quite certain I did, having owned it for many months now. It's true, I had to ask for it. And then they had to go down into the bowels of the place to get it for me while I stood around awkwardly making chit chat with the cashier dude - "So, do you like music?"..."Yes, yes I do."..."Mmm, me too. I really like it."..."I also really like it."..."Yeah, music's great." Anyway, the ablum emerged eventually. And I bought it. I've even played some of it on the radio. So it kinda freaked me out when I was in there last week and they had one of those ‘coming soon’ signs where the Futureheads album would have been. And I was like “Wha?…Bbu-but..” And then for some reason I patted all my pockets, as if being able to find completely-unrelated-to-the-crisis things still where I had left them would make the world all right again. It did, incidentally. Also, checking my iPod to make sure the Futureheads was still already on it made me feel better, and I became almost convinced about not having experienced some sort of freaky Vonnegut-y time slippage. Anyway, now that the Futureheads album is ‘out’ here for proper, GO AND GET IT. As Anita would say, ah luv eht. Eht being, particularly, the songs Danger Of The Water, Stupid and Shallow, and, yes, a fantastic version of Kate Bush’s Hounds Of Love.

Anyway, got to go. Seeing Architecture In Helsinki tonight. But before that, Australia’s Funniest Home Videos is on. Yay! That show is GENIUS! It’s all in the writing, I say. GENIUS. I’m being deadly serious here.

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