SOME THOUGHTS ON TONIGHT'S LOGIES...[psst, they were terrible]

The GOOD
As far as I could gather from the [classy!] White [classy!] Carpet Special, I think Best Dressed was a draw between Toni Pearen and a girl from Blue Heelers whose name I don’t know. She has blonde hair, was one of the ones who got some Maybelline action, was nominated for best newcomer or something, was wearing Toni Maticevski. I will try to post pictures to show you what I’m talking about as soon as I find some. Both these women also had EXCELLENT shoes. Mark my words. They dressed the best.

The Chaser boys won again. They beat John Safran but...Yay! And The President vs David Hicks won. Yay!

Casey Donovan achieved good hair – at last – but she really should ditch the Aretha-style wrap. Really.

Highlight of the night: the Neighbours spectacular. It was bonkers, unexpected, surreal, out of place. And therefore BRILLIANT, obviously. The most interesting and opaque thing to happen at the Logies in years. Everything’s white. Harold comes on with a white suitcase, and you’re like, “What is he going to do? I feel like some kind of Marcel Marceau street theatre freak on is about to happen.” Oh YES. Only on a much grander and more ridiculous scale. Involving Dr Karl putting a white stethoscope to a white lawnmower, Harold busting some white boy rhymes, and Principal Susan Kennedy and others interpretive dancing their white bums off. I repeat, BONKERS. However, upon reflection, and after teasing one kernel of possibility out from the multitude of meanings always present in performance art of this undisputed calibre, I have come to wonder whether this apparently ‘purposeless’ playful delight might in fact cloak a message of hate, all wrapped up and delivered unsuspectingly by the Neighbours cast on behalf of some evil agenda-bending behind-the-scenes honcho. Can it be possible that this confusing display was not at all a case of “oh we are a bunch of INSPIRED silly gooses”, but rather a coded “yes we are VERY FUCKING WHITE! Whitey forever!” response to Green Guide writer Brian Courtis’ recent spray? Has Neighbours been co-opted as a vehicle for a race war? Was this its chilling manifesto, a declaration of escalating hostilities?…Jesus, performance art does my head in.

The BAD
Eddie Maguire is a desperate, desperate man, becoming ever more fully aware of how over he is. Also, he is lazy. Don't think we didn't notice how his appearance in the Logies opening credits was a straight cut-and-paste job from the Footy Show opening credits, which left McManus and O'Keefe to fit themselves in around Eddie's many seasons old footage.

Hello. I henceforth dub thee Catriona 'my breasts deserve their own tiara' Rowntree.

However, I blame Alex Perry completely. For some reason, I cannot think badly of Catriona. Have I been programmed?

What is with the fashion sense of ALL female newsreaders?

Anyways, Worst Dressed definitely goes to Pauline Hanson. Because she really did have a horrid dress on... is horrid, etc. And, may I repeat, SHE IS NOT OKAY. This whole 'her being okay' thing is NOT OKAY.

Just generally, whoever booked the talent needs to not be doing that ever again. In particular, what the hell was Il Divo doing there? And, a separate but equally vexing question, why was their performance backed by images of the Statue of Liberty/map of New York etc? They are an Italian 'opera boy band’ [trailblazing! mould-busting!], performing at the Logies. Where does New York figure into it at all? Yeah, they were singing a Sinatra hit, so what? It was My Way, not New York, New York! Where is your brain?

And finally, is anyone else having flashbacks to Tara Reid’s swollen too-taut-skinned bursting boobies? I just look at Madeleine West’s here and wince. OUCH!