Friday, May 06, 2005

These first two things are not what this post is about. They are just some preliminaries to get out of the way before the Main Blog Event:

Thing #1. I neglected to mention this, but I hope you took your cues from someone else who told you to watch Nighty Night when it was on. Because it was brilliant and I loved it and now it is over, so I hope you watched it too. Just in case you do take your cues from me on these matters, you are now most definitely advised to watch I Am Not An Animal. Most hilarious moment for me from Wednesday's debut was when the animals were getting out of the truck and 'blending in' by making their animal noises, but the monkey was making cat noises and so the horse hissed, "Hugh, your real noise!". And the monkey obliged by saying, "monkey". HA HA HA. This was not the only hilarious part, of course, as this show rocks. LOVE this surreal black comedy jaunt we are on now.

Thing #2. Went to see The Vasco Era supported by The Roys at the Northcote Social Club. Only saw the last few songs of The Roys, and hmmm… Nah. Anyway, still love The Vasco Era. Especially when the lead singer whacks those drum things, because the look on his face when he does it is priceless. I burst out laughing each time I see it. It’s so adorable. And awesome. Also love it when the bassist breaks out some rhythm blocks. Dock dock, dock. However it annoys me that these, their extra-awesome songs, aren't on the EP I have. Anyway, pretty much everything I said last time still stands.

AND NOW THE MAIN BLOG EVENT... [it's dramatic]
So the other day Florida went all crazy, yeah? By way of explanation, I tender this dramatisation...
Florida: "No you cannot possibly have an abortion, you cheeky 13-year-old girl, you."

13yo girl: "Why can't I make my own decision? It's my business...It would make no sense to have the baby. I'm 13, I'm in a shelter and I can't get a job."

Florida: "Aha! She admits it! In a shelter, you say. Perhaps in the care of the state? You are so busted! Hoisted by your own petard, you darling fecund girl. You see, due to an infallible and thoroughly correct Florida statute we made, well, 'In no case shall the department [of Children and Families] consent to sterilisation, abortion, or termination of life support.'”

13yo girl: "I see. Um, WHY does a statute governing the state's social services department have anything in it about abortion at all?"

Florida: "Um, because we’re Florida. In fact, we're Florida LAWMAKERS. We are FUCKING CRAZY."

13yo girl: "Get bent. The US constitution guarantees me the right to an abortion, and it's all federal and shit, so it totally overrides your piddling 'state' stuff, doesn't it. Ha!"

Florida Court: [stepping forward, clearing throat] "Er, we're going to say... no."

13yo girl: "What do you mean 'no'? But, but... can anybody help me?" [looks in Jeb Bush's direction]

Florida Governor: "What? ME? Nope. I must of course concur with the brilliant judges of Florida here... [moves to pat her on head] Now girlie, you may be too young and sexually active to know this about me, but my record is utterly consistent on this kind of thing. I totally leave sad and tragic cases like this to be settled in the courts. I would NEVER attempt to intervene. Did I mention that I am really really really CONSISTENT on this?"

13yo girl: [begins to cry, silent, wrenching tears]

ACLU: [from stage left, soothingly] "Hey, hush now. Don't listen to him. Don't listen to any of them. They're from Florida. They are fucking crazy. Of course we'll help you. How could we not? We are cool. And not evil."

Florida: "Shut up, ACLU. Everybody hates you."
Sigh. So I suppose after Florida's little outburst of crazy, I maybe shouldn't have been surprised to find that now it's Texas' turn. I mean, of course it is. Florida does something stupid or nasty or crazy, Texas just has to keep up and vice versa. I know it's the way of things, but I really wish they wouldn't egg each other on like this. Anyways, so now Texas is all, "You think you're so crazy? You don't know crazy. Take this, Florida. TAKE IT!"... 'IT' being, in short:
Texas' House of Representatives voted 85-55 to approve a bill that would forbid sexy cheers and give the Texas Education Agency authority to punish schools that allow "overtly sexually suggestive" routines at football games and other events.
State Representative Al Edwards, a Houston Democrat who sponsored the bill, complained of cheerleaders "shaking their behinds, breaking it down" [ha ha ha ha ha]. "People are calling and telling me how disgusting it is to see sexually suggestive routines on the part of marching units or cheerleaders," he said.
Ooh yes, DISGUSTING, yes. You are so right! I am DISGUSTED and OUTRAGED and whipped into a FERVOUR re: the sexy dancing. It is the MOST DISGUSTING THING EVER...[psst, readers, I'm being devilishly sarcastic here. Oh boy, just wait a few beats and prepare yourselves for the glory I'm about to unleash: my blazing all-purpose Texas smackdown. Here it comes. It's gonna be like, BAM!]... Freakin hell, Texas. If you want to ban something disgusting, um… START WITH THE DEATH PENALTY.

Boo yah! That zinger does not get old. You can use it in EVERY situation, EVER. Do try it. Anyway, I've realised that for the sake of keeping the Florida-Texas thing even, [so they maybe won't feel duty-bound to further compete for the 'social policy most damaging to the public' prize next week] I shall have to provide a dramatisation for Texas' recent craziness too. All fair, all even. Please, I did not mess with the balance, see...
Texas Lawmakers : [all flushed and excited and pleased with themselves] "Look at us! Look at our excellent priorities! And we are SO SMART! So much smarter than Florida. In fact, we trump Florida big time. We even nip stupid Florida's problem in the bud. Check it: with our ban, not only do we put an end to the heinous evil of booty shaking, we also in effect prevent teen pregnancy altogether by tackling it at its source (booty shaking). So we'll never be embarrassed like Florida was, 'leaving it to the courts' like sissies. It's pure logic: Texan teenagers won't have sex now because they won't be watching the sexy cheerleading which leads to sex. So, there'll be no teenage ward of the state problem pregnancies for us! EVER! Oh yeah baby. Texas pisses all over Florida."

high-fives all round. Cigars. Silence... Uh-oh, these are Reflective Cigars! NO! They leave time to THINK. And so the dawning realisation of what Texas has done fills all eyes with horror (to which the cigars add pungent smoke)]

Texas Lawmakers: "OH. MY. GOD. Circumventing teen pregnancy...? [gasps...screams...tearing out of hair] What have we done? WHAT HAVE WE DONE? Don't you see what this MEANS? Now we may never get the chance (not even the chance!) to ban a 13-year-old girl from having an abortion! EVER! [starts breaking things] YOU ASSHOLES! You call yourselves Texans! Banning 13-year-olds from having abortions is the whole reason I got into politics in the first place! YOU KILLED MY DREAM!"

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