What THE HELL was that? Did anybody watch My Restaurant Rules tonight? It was SHOCKING! The Brisbane restaurant, I can barely say it. They... they invited Pauline Hanson to their launch! And, again, things like standing as far away from her as possible, or awkwardly refusing to shake her hand... these things were just not happening. I mean, just inviting her in the first place. Inexcusable. But greeting her warmly with... with [prepare yourselves, this is the truly horrifying, mind-fuckingly shocking bit], "We're so honoured you came." Gape. THERE. ARE. NO. WORDS.

Well, there were some words, eg. my brother and I gawking at each other and repeating in unison, "WE'RE SO HONOURED YOU CAME??!!" And then silence. Mind-screaming. You know how sometimes your mind reels and seems to fill with noise, of the 'how is this happening', 'I can't believe this is happening' 'WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?' 'THE WORLD MAKES NO SENSE!' 'EVERYTHING IS FUCKED!' variety, and you reach this limit where the noise and pressure in your brain just has to explode out of you, in often irrational and completely unplanned ways, eg, screaming, and/or throwing a sun-chair into the pool? When I saw that thirty-ish apparently 'arty' Louvre restaurant woman either pretend to or be genuinely honoured that Pauline was there, and not even CARE that people could see her being nice to Pauline, shaking her hand, smiling at her, doing all the things that in civil society are just not done, I wigged out. Again. This bloody Pauline revival* is doing my head in. Anyway, tonight, when I exploded, I surprised myself. My brain broke and I think I maybe coined a term. Somehow, my crazy confoundedness ended with me randomly grabbing parts of slurs and coming out with "YOU DICK BAG". Hmmm. Just consider that a moment. And now go, "Dick bag?... Whoah!" I was laughing my arse off, because, truly, that is damn offensive. I mean, dick bag. To call a woman that. So offensive. Yikes. Oh, random word splicing. You crack me up. I might be cracking up anyway [and by 'cracking up' I mean 'losing my mind/ going loco' etc, Just in case you didn't register my subtle shift in meaning. Well done if you did, though. All this explanation bit in parentheses is redundant for you. Oh god, what is going on with me. Do you know that I missed the OC last week and I didn't even die about it? I'm totally not myself...] So, yeah. Maybe I would think twice before calling a woman a 'dick bag' again, but this first time was funny because, well, it was mindless and random and, I'd like to think, inventive. Anyway, I'm going to make a threat right now; if you tolerate Pauline Hanson, or feel capable of being pleasant to her, I might call you a dick bag. For serious. Because, WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU EVER DO THAT? WHO ARE YOU? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Meanwhile, WHAT? Dudes, I swear Charlie Sheen was on Letterman, like, two nights ago saying how happy he is and how Denise is expecting their second child, etc etc. And now, divorce? Rather sudden. Bizarre... Or, not so much. Something totally unforgiveable has totally gone down. And Charlie did it.


* By the way, Fop, I am unable to comment on Nikki Webster because, having put an embargo on Dancing With The Stars after last year, when I blamed it for somehow, and I don't yet quite know how, making it okay to like Pauline Hanson [even though IT'S NOT], I'm not really up on the latest Nikki stuff, haven't seen her dance, etc. I do, however, get irked, and sometimes even incensed, when people use her as a punchline. Cheap shots, people being wankers, etc, these are the things that tend to get me onside with popettes - hence my recent decision to think Britney is super tops, despite having thought she was crap through all her successful years [which she was], and my stance on Ashlee Simpson [ie, she's rather good], and my long-running preference for Dannii over Kylie [although, that Arts Centre exhibition is bloody good. Have you seen it? It forced me to mutter, under my breath, "Respect". Guy was shocked. He said, "Did you just say 'Respect'?"]. Indeed, I never met an out-of-favour popette I didn't like, except Delta. She's a special case. No matter what the prevailing opinion of her is, I always manage to find her irredeemably crap. It's the 'no fun' factor. Anyway, so yes, I could quite easily be a pro-Nikki person. She has all the requisite 'people dumping on her' cache that I'm a sucker for. But, I'm still torn. Because, what I remember of her hair is that she was very into that 'twisty fun hair butterfly clips' thing. So it might take me a while to get over a strong residual feeling about her crapness.