Once again, Oprah equates luxury consumerism with progress, happiness, freedom...

[how much does Radar rule, by the way? We do not get tired of saying it. They do great work. The Oprah article is an excellent read. Also, this is just astonishing.]

Batman freakiness, in an art / life way...

1. Katie Holmes is Batman’s girlfriend.
2. Katie Holmes is Tom Cruise’s girlfriend.
3. SO IS TOM CRUISE BATMAN?
4. Yes. Let's begin...

Meet my enemy. THE PSYCHIATRIST. HE IS VERY BAD. OOOH, SO VERY BAD.

No, he is NOT gorgeous! He is EVIL. He wants to drug everybody. He’d put drugs in the water supply if he had the chance. He wants us smacked up to our eyeballs on drugs. WHY? I DON’T KNOW WHY! THERE IS NO REASON FOR DRUGS! THEY DO NOTHING! EXCEPT BAD THINGS.

My girlfriend totally hates the Psychiatrist, too.

Look at her. Isn’t she MAGNIFICENT?!

Anyways, holy crap. Look at yourself, You Typical Fucking Psychiatrist. Can't you see that all you’re doing is MASKING THE PROBLEM?

But that’s all you’re capable of, isn’t it, Psychiatrist. Making masks. Wearing masks. And by 'masks' I of course mean 'drugs'. Dude, you wear drugs? You are such a freak! Hey, don’t get glib with me. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do. OH BOY. DO I. And let me tell you. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance. The TRUE “science of the mind” tells us that all we need to be well is VITAMINS AND EXERCISE. I jump straight out of bed and do push-ups. And I am a perfectly balanced individual.

OH. MY. GOD. YOU GAVE YOUR SICKO PSYCHIATRIC DRUGS TO MY GIRLFRIEND!
IF I HADN’T GOTTEN THAT VITAMIN SHOT INTO HER SYSTEM…

THWACK! ZAM! TAKE THAT, PSYCHIATRIST!

Listen to me, Psychiatrist. Your pseudo-science drugs are evil. For god's sake man, look at what they do to people! TO KIDS! YOU BASTARD!

etc. etc. etc...

Er, and so on. But now, for the moment when art and life, sadly, diverge. Because, wouldn’t it be so much better if the great lesson of Batman Begins was for Katie Holmes to do exactly as her character does, ie. THIS:

BUT THEN, THIS: "Hmmm, you know what? I like you and all, I’ve even dreamt of this moment since I was a little girl. But, ah, thinking about it, why don’t we cool it until you’re done with making the world into 'A civilization without insanity, without criminals and without war, where the able can prosper and honest beings can have rights, and where man is free to rise to greater heights…' etc. You’re kinda intensely focussed on all that shit right now. So, yeah. Call me when that isn't insanely important to you anymore [ie. never]. Until then, I’m taking these erect nipples and leaving. Bye."

IN LIFE AND ART. IF ONLY.

You don’t really want to find yourself in the position of having to form these words, but, SCHEMBRI WAS RIGHT. And I am glad.

It was with decidedly unhealthy trepidation that I monitored the approach of the US version of The Office. Obviously, the questions abounded, mostly, WHY? No really, why? And then some grumblings about damned Americans who have to make shows in their own image and can’t just enjoy things in their original form and insist on ruining everything that is sacred and true… you get the drift. But honestly, I wasn’t going to skip the show just because of my reservations about endorsing a dubious kind of mentality which can’t enjoy things “where folks don’t talk like us.” Because deep down in my tiny anxious heart, I was saying “But this isn’t like all those other let’s-make-an-American-version shows, is it. Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant worked on it, and you saw with your own eyes that Ricky endorsed it on Letterman. And so isn’t it possible that the transplanting process opened up space for creativity, and some fresh intelligent perfect shit? Does it necessarily have to be bad? I mean, look at these guys.

You love them. You trust them. They pulled the plug on their show because they didn’t want it to get stale. THEY HAVE INTEGRITY. And are brilliant. So how could this be bad? These guys don’t do bad!…OH GOD, it had better not be bad. I can’t bear the devastation of seeing them lowered in my esteem!” Etc etc etc. A little over the top? Shut up! Anyway, in the midst of all this hand wringing and nervous tension came Schembri, and he made it all okay. Yes, you heard me. In last week’s Green Guide he reviewed the first screening - which would show the pilot followed by the first episode - and he said the pilot was TERRIBLE, “merely a wince-worthy copy of the original’s first episode” [he was right], but that the first proper episode, Diversity Day, showed “just how hard Office co-creators Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, who oversaw the Yankification as executive producers, have worked with the cast to get it right. Essentially, what they have done is taken all those priceless elements that made The Office great – the awkward pauses, the flat jokes, the chronic self-delusion – and adapted them with original scripts to the American setting” [again, he was right]. Last week when I read that, I felt a great weight lift off me. ORIGINAL SCRIPTS. ORIGINAL SCRIPTS. And I didn’t care that I was relying on Schembri for my last lunge of hope. He was right. He was right. That is all. I especially loved that Mexican bit, and of course, the way ‘Jim’ closed his eyes when ‘Pam’ fell asleep on his shoulder. Excuse me. I’m going to watch it again. TOTALLY HOOKED ALREADY.

Just acknowledging the link that's appeared on the left. Yes, after Petrol in the Car was abandoned and then stolen by as yet unkown blog-pirates (this is no longer my blog), I had tentatively started another one, if only to play around with fun templates and stuff etc, without thinking through the eventual need for actual, you know, content. Can I just say that Elanor added the link, not me, because I would feel a bit precious taking the "prime" link position there at the top for myself, particularly for a blog with a very high chance of dying quite quickly.

Was just watching Sunrise, and Kochie totally got all environmentally conscious on our asses. See, he said this:

"WHAT ABOUT THESE JAPS? They lose the vote and still they're [something something]... And the Solomon Islands. AFTER ALL WE'VE DONE FOR THEM..."

Yep, Kochie totally hearts whales.

BEST. JUXTAPOSITION. EVER.



Fucking. Beautiful. What more can I say, ET, except bravo. Touché. ZING! And oh...oh... DOUBLE ZING!

*stands and applauds*

EVERYBODY, ON YOUR FEET!

"Don't turn away. Your indifference makes you part of the problem."

freekatie.net we are with you

Ahhhh... Radar online. Right onto the Tom Cruise repulsion that we are all feeling. According to their sources, Cruise was unsuccessful in trying to convert the "cool-headed" Scarlett Johansson in a recent visit to the Scientologist "mecca", the quite honestly titled Celebrity Center. Check out the details here.

I HATE THIS WOMAN

"My name is Sophie Panopoulos and Elanor hates me."

I have hated her for six years. I still hate her. I hear her name and I become possessed by rage and bewilderment. I mean, in all the time that I have hated her [and I can date that hate from about 30 seconds after I first became aware of her existence], I have never heard her say ONE thing that was sensible or defensible. NOT ONE. She is consistently awful.

My hate was formed, of course, during the lead-up to the referendum on an Australian Republic. I don’t know where she came from or how she got to be there, but when I saw her on my TV and heard what she was saying, I just went, “Who the hell is this random toxic freak?” My sister and I found her powerfully repellent, and we would stare at each other in wonderment [and rage] each time she opened her mouth and said something inflammatory, contradictory, misleading, ridiculous. She HAS to see how that isn’t actually the case, DOESN’T SHE? [That is what we would say to each other – with our eyes. And then we would go about telling her, to her face (on the TV), how what she was saying just didn’t stand up to even the scrutiny we could muster. WE, two stupid republican girls!] Yep, we were really effective, yelling at the TV like that. We totally invalidated her arguments, like, a zillion times during that campaign. We used facts and all. And she was JUST SO WRONG. We were astounded that she was a lawyer. We were astounded that we were being exposed to her at all. In short, we were astounded to discover that people like her existed, and we highly doubted that she had any friends. But, we were wrong, I guess. That Republic debate was a terrible lesson in the lousiness of people. And our blood boiled when her side won, especially as it prompted people to make sounds about how her argument and strategy had been better than ours. And we were considered freaks who couldn't let go as we continued to scream “NO IT WASN’T! HAS EVERYONE LOST THEIR FREAKING MINDS?”

Two years later, I was at work on election night 2001. I had left home with two thoughts in my mind.

Thought # 1: “There is NO WAY that people will stand for this Tampa crap. It is like, the wrongest thing ever!”

Thought # 2: “Jesus, Sophie. AS IF anyone in their right mind, who has paid even the scantiest attention to anything you have said, ever, is going to vote YOU into Federal parliament. AS IF SOPHIE! GET A CLUE!”

Anyway, it came time for my break at work. And I asked my boss if I could use the phone to call home and check in with my sister about how the election was going. And I was standing there at the counter with the receiver at my ear, all jovial-slash-anxious and shit, and a few moments later everyone in the place had broken away from their pancakes to stare at me. Because I had actually yelled “NO!”

I felt so alone. Nobody understood. They didn’t even know who I was babbling about when I tried to explain that AN AFFRONT TO GOD had taken place. They probably thought I was a bit of a mental case who seriously needed to chill. Fucking Sophie Panopoulos. I hate her. So please, why don’t you join me, for today at least, in hating her too?

If you were wondering where Guy is, he is in Germany with Amy.
Look, here is a photo of them during a trip to Dresden.

Feel free to make up your own caption, if you like.

Hello. Stephen Malkmus' new album Face The Truth is a very good thing. In fact, there is not one bad thing on it.

And now, there is no way to do this with tact or dignity, so I'll just say it: 3CR Radiothon is happening this week, so could people please donate to the shows I do? Pretty please. I have fundraising targets to reach. Oh yeah, and like, independent progressive radio is like, totally important. Support it, etc. [I am being serious.]

ANYWAY, ME ME ME!

I do the Tuesday Breakfast show, and sometimes it's quite good. Well, it's okay I guess. We interview people about stuff. We play music. Isn't that enough? So please donate to Tuesday Breakfast. Our Radiothon show is on Tuesday from 7am-8.30am, so if you want to phone in during the show to pledge money to us, then by all means, do.

I do the Women On The Line show, which is really quite good. I am only responsible for it once every five weeks, because we have a roster of producers. I don't think I'll need as much help raising money for this show as there are five of us and the target is lower than for Breakfast, but if you want to support what I'm told is the only national women's current affairs show in Australia, then by all means, do. Our Radiothon show is tomorrow morning at 8.30am.

If you are actually interested in making a donation to 3CR, [and you can do it whenever you like. Please, just specify that you're donating to MY shows!] here are your options:

• phone (03) 9419 8377

• visit the station at 21 Smith Street, Fitzroy [and bring some money with you, obviously]

• post a cheque to PO Box 1277, Collingwood, 3066

• donate online

[If I haven't been clear, this is all in aid of 3CR Community Radio, Melbourne, 855 AM.]

MEMES.
Dang. Probably poor form to ignore them any longer, yeah? BUT I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO CHEAT. I won’t be bound by your damn rules and conventions. So here, a revelation of my pedestrian tastes, poorly explained.


MUSIC MEME FROM RUTH

Total volume of music files on my computer
Whatever 1317 songs is. These are not music files I have downloaded, or anything. They are just the portion of my CD collection I have imported so far in my iPod reconstruction. I did download a song from the internet once. That was cool.

The last CD I bought
The White Stripes, Get Behind Me Satan

Song playing right now
Split Enz - Titus

Five songs that I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me

Björk – Immature
This is currently my favourite song ever. I just love the strange and satisfying way she paces the limited lyrics. Gorgeous/cool. I think Homogenic might just be her best album. Possibly.

The Pixies – Hey and Silver
Yes, I realise that is two songs, but the requirement for only five is a severe limitation so GET STUFFED! I’m counting these two as one. They follow on from one another on Doolittle anyway. And I can’t possibly choose between them so shut up. I also love U-Mass, which is not on Doolittle, no. But I LIKE IT A LOT SO THERE.

The Easybeats – Make My Bed (Gonna Lie In It)
I just love this song. Also, I find the Easybeats very useful for the radio show. We need at least 55% Australian music anyway, and I’ve found the Easybeats pop songs work (either superficially well, or really actually well, I can’t decide) as segue pieces which refer back to the political themes raised in the preceding interview. For instance, I played Make My Bed (Gonna Lie In It) after doing an interview about the situation in Iraq on the second anniversary of the invasion, due to all the “Tried so hard to be, a man… a maaaaan… a MAAAAN/ I made my bed now I gotta lie in it/ Seems instead like I’m gonna die in it/ Where did I go wrong?/ I tried so hard to see/ I tried so hard to be, a man… a maaaan…a MAAAAN”, etc. GET IT?? DO YOU? George W Bush is a man!!! POLITICAL. Also used Wedding Ring after an interview about same-sex marriage. Hello. Wedding! RING!!! POLITICAL. And once used Come And See Her after an interview with a doctor from the Medical Association For The Prevention of War about health impacts of Iraq war, depleted uranium, malnourished children, etc. Thus “Doctor doctor my baby’s sick…” = POLITICAL.

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – The Curse of Millhaven
Because it’s fucking funny, especially “I got a pretty little mouth, underneath all the foaming.” Best lyric ever? You decide. No, I WILL DECIDE.

Joy Division – Digital
I just really think there’s something to be said for hearing Joy Division in the morning. Try it.

Talking Heads – Found A Job
It is about TV, yes. And that is something. But mainly, I just love that chorus bit, “Judy’s in the bedroom/ inventing situations”. Something about that collection of words makes my chestal area get warm.
Also, Psycho Killer. Because French is deployed. And “fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa”.

Rage Against The Machine - Pistol Grip Pump
Er, because “they can be fuckin with other niggers’ shit but they can’t be fuckin with mine”, OBVIOUSLY.
And Renegades Of Funk, because they’re “poppinanshockinanrockinanputtinasideahiphop”.

Salt N Pepa – Push It
Especially the “Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby-pop” bit.
And Shoop, because “You're a shotgun - bang! What's up with that thang?" and also, “Baby, take a ride in my coupe…” IN MY COUPE?!!

What number am I up to now? OH GOD I SUCK AT THIS. Oh well…

The Coral – Grey Harpoon
The Rapture - Echoes
Architecture In Helsinki - Love Is Evil The Prequel
Kate Bush – The Dreaming and Sat In Your Lap
The Fiery Furnaces – Blueberry Boat
The White Stripes – Jimmy The Exploder
Pink Grease – Party Live
Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Bang… and Man… and Black Tongue

This is ridiculous now. I have to stop, don’t I. HELL YES THAT IS FIVE. DON’T TELL ME THAT DOES NOT ADD UP TO FIVE. Oh, just pick five of them, will you.

Five people to whom I'm passing the baton
Am I allowed to do this if I have failed the meme? Alright then, Guy of course. And Anita, Catherine, Tim, Fop.



BOOK MEME FROM CATHERINE

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
I’m also taking this as ‘which book would I save from burning’. Catch-22 I guess. Or Shame. Or American Psycho. One of those.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
YES. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING TO?

The last book you bought is:
I bought Gravity’s Rainbow, Portnoy’s Complaint and Underworld at the same time. No, I have not read any of them yet.

The last book you read:
Nervous Conditions, Tsitsi Dangarembga

What are you currently reading?
NW

Five books you would take to a desert island
(The ones I’ve paid for but haven’t read)
- Gravity’s Rainbow
- Portnoy’s Complaint
- Underworld
- The Bell Jar
- In Cold Blood

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?
Can’t this one just die with me? But alright, I stick it to Guy. Lucky for him he's off to Berlin.

The new White Stripes album. GET IT. That is all.

[Note: the point of this smiley face is to represent my mood. Graphically.]

Hurrah! Have managed to revive our comments system. Patience was not what was required, in the end. Actually DOING SOMETHING was what was required. Funny that. And so I did 'SOMETHING'. And it didn't cock up our pre-existing comments or anything. Oh, the extent to which I rule is significant, isn't it? So, if in the past two weeks or so you have felt compelled to comment something delightfully hilarious and intelligent in response to our delightfully hilarious and intelligent blog, but found yourselves thwarted by the evil malfunctioning comments system, please feel free to do so now. Or not. As you were.

SOME VIRTUES OF NOT BEING KENNY CHESNEY

Virtue #1: hair


Virtue #2: better hats


Virtue #3: hair and better hats


Virtue #4: going ‘country’ only when you want to [and being awesome at it when you do]


Virtue #5: having the following not be your much too talked about red-and-white aesthetic [and please note: low and dismissive opinions are actually legitimate for the following]


Virtue #6: a tan? I think not!


Virtue #7: hotness, moodiness, ambiguity, and just generally being a bit special, a bit queer, really


Virtue #8: [and this is the principle virtue of not being Kenny Chesney] Elanor adores you… But oh dear. She is currently on the verge of a breakdown. You see, having decided to whip up a light-hearted bit of pfaffery, quite inconsequential to her psyche, about the virtues of not being Kenny Chesney, she went on The Internet. And discovered that you, Mr Not Kenny Chesney himself, have married another. And so have broken Elanor's heart, as much as that is possible… Or have you? She is quite confused and unsure about whether to accept the truth of it. Canoes? On the confluence of three rivers? Shamans? Catholics? Etc? So Elanor has decided that the only opinion she can safely put forward is, hey, she likes these shoes and is willing to respect the woman who wears them:

Because Elanor's respect MATTERS.

I am so shallow. Can you believe that, today of all days, my favourite person in the world is, in fact, NOT W. Mark Felt? Shame on me, indeed. But it cannot be helped. How can one not fall head over heels for Rui Neiva when his words are MUSIC TO ONE’S EARS! For example:

Switzerland go to take a shower, your mouth stinks!

My foot! You are bad loosers!

I UNDERSTAND VERY WELL WHAT YOU WANT!

My taste is different from the juries adooring ballads, horribles ballads of the past

esc WAS DEAD, BUT NOT ANYMORE! esc IS VERY DYNAMIC ACTUALLY!

AND BY THE WAY
WHOT DOES IT MEAN PROFESSIONAL JURIES? tHEY WORK AS A JURY BY PROFESSION? tHEY HAVE DIPLOMES OF JURY FROM A HIGHT SCOOL???

Music is for all, not for the stupids full of intrigues pretensious amateurs

BUUUUUUU

Cannot stop laughing. Cannot stop feeling that Rui is looking RIGHT INTO MY VERY SOUL.

“HI! My name is… WHAT? My name is… WHO? My name is, chicka chicka [not Slim Shady]”


"I'm the guy they used to call 'Deep Throat'."

Wow, I was way off the mark when I dressed as DEEPTHROAT for Catherine’s 21st. I pretty much just wore a cropped black trench jacket [with some other clothes]. And I made some badges - one with a picture of Woodward & Bernstein on it and the words CREDIT HOGS, one with Nixon doing his ‘peace out’ moment at the helicopter and the word SUCKER, and one with a random slogan I made up, CARPARKS ARE THE NEW DISCO. It actually took me hours to make those stupid badges. And now I realise that my energies were focussed in completely the wrong direction. It's not about badges. It’s not even about wearing a trench jacket at a party while chainsmoking. It’s about GIANT GLASSES. And wearing them AT NIGHT... while wearing a trench and chainsmoking. I feel like such a fool.

Anyway, DEEPTHROAT, I HEART YOU.


Look at that grandkid standing behind him. You can read his mind. It is saying, “I am the new king of college campuses. I AM SO GOING TO GET LAID!”

And la la la la sshhh. Don’t ruin today by even contemplating things like ‘pecuniary interests’ and other things like this:

He rose through the ranks of the old bureau under J. Edgar Hoover's autocratic rule, thrived on Mr. Hoover's imperious demands and carried out the bureau's harsh campaign against political militants, approving break-ins at dissenters' homes.

And don’t listen to Pat Buchanan either. He’s a goon. Look:

Speaking last night on MSNBC's "Hardball," former Nixon speechwriter Patrick J. Buchanan labeled Felt a "traitor" for having worked with reporters on stories that did severe damage to the administration.

Shut up, Buchanan. DEEPTHROAT RULES. 4 EVA.